Disability Jokes

Laughing About Disability – My Jokes and Stories

Humour is a powerful tool for coping, connecting, and even teaching. However, it’s not okay to make jokes about someone else’s disability. But it’s perfectly OK to laugh about yourself, your disabilities and how you navigate life.

These jokes come from my life after acquiring a disability in 2009. I live with paraplegia, chronic pain, a few sleep disorders and a few other challenges. The jokes are light-hearted, self-deprecating, and often painfully true.

I hope you’ll laugh and think a little.

If you do, please follow me on social media using the icons on the right. I post most of my jokes there, too.

And don’t forget to leave a comment!

A starting joke. Fun fact about me – I haven’t stood up to present a stand-up comedy routine since 2009, which makes me perfect for stand-up comedy sitting down.

Failed Business Ideas

• A few disability ideas that didn’t work. No one purchased my Naked Wheelies Calendar. My wheelchair yoga classes were boring as each class only had one position that I named “sitting in a wheelchair”. And each participant in paraplegic parkour got a second spinal cord injury.

Bad Advice

• A friend offered me the most stupid advice. He said, “If you want organisations to provide better accessibility, then you need to stand up for yourself”. How?

Wheelchair Fun (or not)

• My wheelchair came with a horn. I upgraded it to the Ice Cream Van tune to attract kids and watch the disappointment on their faces.
• When I go downhill, I pray. When I go uphill, I swear.
• Walkers have step counters. Wheelies have door-frame collision counters.
• Wheelchair jousting should be an Olympic sport.
• Wheelchair tyres pick up more chewing gum than shoes.
• Every morning, I wake up stiff. Not in the fun way.
• My cat Queenie thinks my wheelchair is a ride. Now I charge her Uber rates.
• My wheelchair has a horn. I use it in church during long sermons.
• Some venues have ramps so steep that I need a sherpa.
• Accessible buses are accessible… until the pram brigade gets on first.
• Flight attendants always ask if I need anything. Yeah, a seat upgrade and my wheelchair in one piece at the end of the flight.

Marriage & Divorce

• A wheelchair is like marriage: hard to turn, expensive to maintain, and squeaky if ignored.
• During my divorce, I instructed my lawyers that under no circumstances should my ex-wife gain possession of my wheelchairs. Otherwise, I’d be crawling back to her.

For Newbie Wheelchair Users, a few more Disability Jokes

• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – door frames are magnets for your knuckles.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – airline hostesses will distract you as the baggage handlers damage your wheelchair.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – many accessible toilets are either locked, broken, or storing furniture.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – stay clear of drunk friends. They will either push your chair too fast, or want to sit on your lap, or tip you out so they can use your chair to get home.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users: children will ask you questions that adults are too afraid to ask.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users: going downhill is fun, and uphill work builds character, fitness, and perseverance.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – be suspicious of phrases that include “it’s accessible”.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – the footplates of your chair are magnets for people’s shins.
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – some people will talk to your carer and not you. Tell them “Hi. I can talk!”
• A tip for newbie wheelchair users – expect strangers to congratulate you for leaving the house.

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Wheelchair Shoplifting & Smuggling Tips

• People seem to put misplaced trust in individuals with disabilities, such as people like me in a wheelchair. Wheelies could easily shoplift – just place the items under your top and zoom off at ten kilometres per hour. They can’t stop you. If they try to grab you, then that’s assault. If they stand in front of you, keep going. They will jump out of the way. Hope this helpful tip helps you.
• My chair has two batteries. If I took one out, I’d have room to hide anything. I could smuggle anything on a plane, as security would never open up the insides of a wheelchair! Hope this helpful tip helps you.
• In the unlikely event that you are caught, you should become emotional, make a scene, and enlist the support of bystanders. If that doesn’t work, then blame your carer. If you are caught smuggling, then blame the company that maintains your wheelchair. Hope this helpful tip helps you.

Born This Way

• I acquired a disability in 2009, but there is something that I was born with that I’d like to share. My parents and the medical staff immediately noticed it. As I grew up, it became more noticeable, particularly by women. OK, I am going to share it now. I was born with good looks.

Weddings and Miracles

• Before my daughter’s wedding, I went to every Pentecostal church I could find, hoping for a miracle. I planned to keep it a secret until the vows, as I wanted the day to be an unforgettable event for all. Imagine the shock when everyone hears, ‘Do you take this man?’ and I stand up yelling, ‘IT’S A MIRACLE. I CAN WALK!’
• As I didn’t receive a miraculous healing before my daughter’s wedding to walk her down the aisle, I pondered other ways to make the day memorable for her. Rather than being pushed by my son in my manual wheelchair as I held my daughter’s hand, I could spend a few hundred thousand dollars on an exoskeleton and walk down the aisle with her. Imagine her surprise when instead of everyone looking at the bride, they watch the father of the bride walking like a robot.

Do I Even Want Healing?

• People pray for me to be healed. And sure, Jesus could heal me. But here’s the problem: do I actually want to be healed? Think about it. The insurance companies would like their payouts back. Goodbye, custom-built home and most of my superannuation balance. My wheelchair has endurance. I can roll 20 kilometres without stopping. If I have to walk, I’d go a few hundred metres without resting. Airlines treat me like a VIP – priority boarding and special treatment. If I walked again, I’d be queueing up and fighting for overhead storage space. And finally, I stay in bed all night, peeing via my catheter that gathers the urine into a bottle. I don’t want to make multiple trips to the bathroom at night with bare feet on cold, tile floors.

A few Disability Jokes about Stereotypes of People who Walk

• You may have heard stereotypes about people in wheelchairs. But wheelies have stereotypes about walkers, too. Apparently, walkers love to travel in groups of four or more, side by side, blocking the entire footpath like a human roadblock. Wheelies can’t get through!
• You may have heard stereotypes about people in wheelchairs. But wheelies have stereotypes about walkers, too. Walkers queue for elevators, rush in, and then avoid eye contact when wheelies try to roll in.
• You may have heard stereotypes about people in wheelchairs. But wheelies have stereotypes about walkers, too. Walkers complain about back pain. Mate, I broke mine. Beat that.
• Walkers say, “I could never live like you.” Really? Because most of them spend all day sitting on their bum anyway.

Speed and Rage

• My chair only takes 3 seconds to go from zero to “sorry about your toes”.
• I asked Siri for the fastest route. She gave me the walking distance and time. How Rude!
• I once got pulled over for speeding… in a supermarket.
• I don’t get road rage. I get footpath rage.

If you are enjoying the disability jokes, please leave a comment at the bottom of the post.

A few Disability Jokes about Health

• I told my doctor that laughter was the best medicine. He said, “Not with your pain levels. Stick to pain relief medications.”
• I have sleep apnea and narcolepsy. My sleep study results looked like a seismograph during an earthquake.
• Half my medications say “may cause drowsiness.” The other half says “may cause insomnia.” It’s a perfect balance.
• When I’m in the hospital, nurse handovers take 30 minutes to describe my medical conditions.
• I waited to see a specialist doctor. They kept me waiting for three hours. By then, my condition had changed.
• I see so many doctors; for each visit, I should get frequent flyer points.
• My medicine box is bigger than my lunch box.

Resilience

• It’s been exactly 16 years since acquiring a disability. I want to thank Cedar College at Northgate, South Australia, for building my resilience by dropping a tree branch on me, breaking my spine, and presenting me with challenges that I had to face head-on.

Identity & Perceptions

• Someone looked at me and my wheelchair and said, “You’re so brave.” I was ordering a coffee.
• My wheelchair doesn’t define me. However, it does allow me to park closer to the shops.
• People call me an “inspiration.” Translation: “Thanks for existing so I can feel less bad about my own life.”
• People say, “You must save money on shoes.” True, but maintaining a wheelchair is expensive.
• People say, “At least you get good arm strength.” Yeah, from opening heavy doors of accessible bathrooms.
• Walkers think wheelchairs are sexy. At least, that’s what drunk women tell me when they sit on my lap at parties.

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